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my girl
What is real?

Is your perception of reality different than mine? Is what you see when you look out the window really there?

We are all one, in the grander scheme of cosmic energy, so yes, our universal reality is the same.

However the laws of quantum physics suggest otherwise. The mere act of observation can completely change the outcome of an event. By the very act of watching, the observer affects the observed reality.

Thomas Young’s double-slit experiment proved the Collapse of a Wave. Meaning that electrons passing through a double slit act as a wave. However when observed, the same electrons passing through a double slit will act differently: as particles. How can the very nature of observation change the way electrons behave? Everything in life is made up of electrons, energy.  But the act of observing actually changes reality.

Without the observer - nothing is solid. Or as Einstein asked "Do you really believe the moon exists only when I look at it?"

Does everything only exist when it is being observed?

This would mean consciousness is creating what we see with our own eyes. And my consciousness is different than yours. So there is no true reality. Or, it would seem, there are many realities. The most popular theory given in regards to the Collapse of a Wave is that there are multiple dimensions existing at the same time, and electrons are switching back and forth between them.

But back to my original question: What is real?

If what I see, everything I see, every moment of every day is a projection of my own individual reality, how can I know if what is real for me is real for you? It can’t be. It isn’t. Just take the fact that 10 different people observing a car accident will give 10 different description of what occurred. Didn’t they all just witness the same thing? Beyond slight differences in small details, these 10 individuals will give vastly different accounts of the event. Their account. Their reality. They all experienced in their own moment in time.

When does one’s perception of reality become so altered and so detached from anyone else’s reality as to be categorized as delusional or insane?

What is your reality?

Are you sure it’s real?

LJ Idol Entry for Season 9, Week 11


Holy Shit

my girl
How do you get kids to stop swearing? I though I had this one beat and now it's back again. I've done the hot sauce, soap, tried ignoring it, tried explaining why we don't use those words, tried timeouts, spankings, even tried letting them say it as long as they go in the bathroom. They seem to think it's just hilarious, and it's driving me insane!

My older child will get the younger one to say a bad word and then tattle on her just so that she gets in trouble. Always pushing the limits. They're 14 and 12 and they are very, very good at it. Where do you draw the line? Fuck, ass, shit and bitch are out of the question. That's an easy one. And yes, I've heard it all. But what about words like stupid, I hate you, shut up, titties, using God's name in vain. Those are those just not quite nice words but not really in the expletive category.

Then there's the fascination with seeing how close they can get to saying the bad word without actually saying it by saying arse, sheet, shite, fugue. And this is about when my, too smart for his own good, 14 year old explains that he was just talking about a "sheet" like a sheet of paper and not really "shit". And proceeds to continue to explain this in several different ways, just so that he can say the word "shit" multiple times and actually attempt to get away with it.

And what do you do with this one...How about only starting to say the bad word!? He will literally say "sssshhhhhhhh", and quit when I give him The Look. Only to follow that up about 15-20 seconds later, when I've moved my attention to something else, by yelling, "IT!" Does that count?

And of course it doesn't help when mommy snaps and starts yelling and swearing, "God damn it! Stop fucking saying that!!" Yea, very nice.

LJ Idol Entry for Season 9, week 10

Keep Calm

my girl
You are worthless.

Keep calm.

You have no work ethic.

Keep calm.

You need to quit pretending and playing around and get a real job.

Keep calm.

You would rather steal than ask for help.

Keep calm.

When was the last time you stole something because you couldn’t afford it? Two days ago.

Keep calm.

You aren’t good enough.

Keep calm.

Why isn’t dinner ready yet? You call this food!? I’m not eating that crap!

Keep calm.

It’s all your fault.

Keep calm.

You are broke.

Keep calm.

You will never be a real artist.

Keep calm.

You need to give up that silly dream.

Keep calm.

Drawing is just a waste of time.

Keep calm.

You’re not even very good at it.

Keep calm.

Why are you just sitting there reading?

Keep calm.

This house is a disaster area! You need to be cleaning.

Keep calm.

You haven’t given enough.

Keep calm.

You've just been painting all day?!  Didn't you do anything worthwhile?

Keep calm.

You are stupid.

Keep calm.

You screwed everything up.

Keep calm.

You’re not a nice person.

Keep calm.

Your opinions don't matter.

Keep calm.

You are so selfish. All you do all day is write. You’re never going to write anything that anyone will ever want to read. Or PAY to read.

Keep calm.

Why don’t you get off your fat ass and make a decent dinner for a change?

Keep calm.

My friends don’t like you.

Keep calm.

You deserved to be alone.

Keep calm.

No one could ever love you.

Keep calm.

You don’t fit in.

Keep calm.

Do you really think you should be eating that?

Keep calm.

You need to be practical.

Keep calm.

I never loved you.

Keep calm.

You will die alone and lonely.

Keep calm.

You can never make a difference.

Keep calm.

She is so much nicer than you.

Keep calm.

You’re napping?! You don’t deserve to take a nap. You haven’t done anything today.

Keep calm.

You and the kids are an embarrassment to me.

Keep calm.

What’s wrong with you?

Keep calm.

You don’t belong here.

Keep calm.

You are worthless.

Keep calm.

Keep calm.

Keep calm.

Keep calm


and....Collapse )

LJ Idol Entry for Season 9, Week 9


Lost Religion

my girl
Lost Religion

My son said something to me the other night that I have still been thinking about. I had just finished tucking him in when he says, “Mom, you don’t have to pray to believe in God.”

It wasn’t a question, but a statement. I looked at him like, what are you 14 or 400!? Sometimes he amazes me. He’s always been a child who has been older than his years. He’s incredibly smart at well and has always been able to make connections and think on a level beyond his chronological age. But I have to back up a bit for you to fully understand his comment.

My relationship with the church and my God has been sporadic all my life. When I was very little, my mom took my brother and I to church every Sunday. And we went to vacation Bible school every summer. This is the same church in the same hometown I now live in again. My dad never attended with us. In fact I have never in my lifetime seen my dad in a church. My wedding was not in a church but outdoors at a country club (performed not by a minister, by the way, but a friend’s dad who has a license to marry. I also wrote my own vows and they did not include God at the time.) My grandpa’s funeral was in the mortuary, not a church. My dad was raised Catholic but that side of the family is mostly non-practicing now. I don’t think he’s necessarily agnostic or atheist but just not religious. I think he grew up with religion crammed down his throat so much so that it turned him off from all religion. My mom however grew up in a loving Baptist/Christian family, and that’s how she wanted us to grow up.

I accepted Christ into my life and was baptized at what I think was a very early age. I was 11 years old. My brother was actually even younger, at 6 years old.. Into adolescence we all stopped going to church, for whatever reason. I didn’t return to the church until college. Being on my own and trying to find myself, I became involved with the Campus Crusade for Christ group. They were such an amazing group of people. So open and accepting and willing to do everything they could for me. I liked many things about the experience but always felt self-conscious around them. I felt like, even though they were such an open and honest group of people, I was somehow being judged. One of the things I liked though was the noon prayer meeting every Wednesday. Who ever wanted to participate would meet in the commons room on campus. We would break up into smaller groups and just pray out loud to God about anything and everything. I never voiced any prayers at those meetings. I was too self-conscious. I would just listen. Sometimes not to any one voice, but the entire room of mingles voices in whispers being lifted up. It was awe-inspiring and very moving for me. My participation with the group was short lived however, only lasting for one semester.

The next time I found myself in church was about four years later, after I’d met my soon to be ex husband. He was raised Episcopalian but had much the same experience as my father and much the same current views on religion in general. I wanted us to go to church together. He refused. So I began trying out the local churches in Sonoma, where we lived at the time, for myself. I never found a church there that I really felt comfortable in however. I did convince him once to go to an Episcopalian church that I had found. It was a nightmare. We never went back. I got nothing out of the experience and message except a work out, what with all of the rising, sitting, kneeling, genuflecting….Whew!

The next time I was drawn to the church was actually not until we were in the process of our divorce. I seem so seek God out when I’m at my lowest. When everything is peachy I fell like, “OK, thanks for the help God, but I can take it from here!”

But something always calls me back. So, in that process of divorce and dissolution I found a church in Henderson, Nevada that ended up being amazing. It was a huge church and very intimidating to me at first. Everyone there made me feel so welcome, but not in the judgmental way I had experienced in the past. Pastor Gary was so real and his message was direct and down to earth. I think the kids actually enjoyed it too. They each had their own classes and everything.

I cry in church. I always have and I don’t know exactly why. It sometimes just gets to me, the overpowering feeling of a hymn or the way a message touches me and reveals something to me at the time. There was never a Sunday that went by in the seven months that I attended that church in Nevada that I didn’t feel something that brought me to tears. Sometimes all it would take is a complete stranger taking my hand and saying, “I’m glad you’re here.”

You’re glad I’m here!? You don’t even know me!! You don’t know what type of lifestyle I lead, what a hypocrite I am, what demons I live with. But you’re glad I’m in church today. Sometimes that was all it took. Leaving that church was one of the few things I was actually sad to leave when I picked up and got the Hell out of Vegas.

Wanting to keep the kids in church, when I moved back to my hometown after the divorce, I started attending the little church I grew up going to once again. I had come full circle. The kids and I were very good at going each and every Sunday for awhile. In November and December I ended up having to work quite a few weekends and we seemed to get out of the habit of going. Each night during that time, the kids and I would also pray every night. As part of our bedtime ritual, I would tuck each one into bed and say a little prayer for each of them and in turn they would pray.

I was a little anxious and also excited to begin going to this church again. I missed pastor Gary in Nevada and was only hoping this new pastor would be as dynamic as he as. No such luck. Pastor Dave here is very young, energetic and cute, which is pretty much all that keeps me in my seat some Sunday’s. He has a flair for bad analogies. The last service we attended was the one with the –“God is like a pole vault” analogy. I’m not even joking! I was literally looking around at the congregation to see if anyone was as lost as I was. I was unfortunately sitting next to Pastor Dave’s mom that Sunday and had to contain my chuckles as he continued to compare God’s uplifting spirit to that which launches you over the hurdle like a pole-vaulter. I don’t think so!!

Something interesting happened that year after the kids got back from Christmas vacation at their dad’s. I can just picture what prompted it. I can just picture on their first night there, one of the kids asking their dad to pray with them before bed and his reaction being, “Hell, no!!”

So when the kids came back, on their first night home we did our usual bedtime ritual. My daughter goes to bed first and she says, “No prayer tonight, Mommy.”

Ok, I didn’t make a big deal about it. Then my son says the same thing, “I don’t want to pray tonight, Mommy.”

I’m not going to push them, so we haven’t attended church or prayed together since.

Then out of the blue this week my son brings it up. The other night at bedtime my son asks me, “Why don’t we pray anymore?”

I asked him if he would like to pray now, and he says, “No.” Then he adds, “And we don’t go to church anymore, Mommy.”

He’s obviously been thinking about this. So I admit to him that we have gotten out of the habit, and tell him that I would like to start going again, to which he doesn’t reply. Then comes his comment of, “You don’t have to pray to still believe in God, and I still believe in God.”

Out of the mouths of babes…

LJIdol Entry for Season 9, Week 6

The Mystery Lizard

my girl
Mom told me weeks ago that there has been a lizard in her bathroom. Knowing mom, she may have just made up the entire story, as I hadn’t seen it yet. But every week, she had a new lizard sighting. How did it get in? Where does it go? Why is it only hanging out in the one bathroom and not the other? And HOW could you possibly sleep knowing that thing is in the house!?!

I had made up my mind that it was all another infamous mom-story. Until yesterday.

I had been avoiding that bathroom in her house whenever I was there, just in case the mystery lizard was real. But I really don’t like the other bathroom, as you have to go through her bedroom to get to it. My daughter and I had been running errands in town after school and stopped by mom’s to change all of her internet passwords after she called freaked out about the Heartbleed bug.

Plus I really, really, really had to pee! Every since she has been going on about “The Lizard in the Bathroom” when I do break down and have to use that bathroom at her house, I lift the toilet seat up and check. Just in case. I really don’t want to sit down and have some monster lizard swimming laps in the bowl. So I did my usual routine and lifted up the seat, while doing the pee-pee dance as I really had to go! No lizard. Great. Pants down. Panties down. Sit. Ahhhh..... Reach to my right to get toilet paper, which for some reason is trailing on the ground. Grab a hand-full and pull. And Oh My Fucking Lord! GIANT LIZARD hiding under the TP!

My screams brought my daughter and mom running. And I hear them laughing, by the way..... I have never bolted out of the bathroom so fast in my life. And I didn’t stop. I ran screaming across the entire house!


Mom had a plan. Albeit a crappy one, but a plan none the less. She ran into the kitchen, grabbed a giant pot and ran into the bathroom with it. What the Hell is she planning on doing with that? I am observing from the far side of the living room, as I am not ever going anywhere near that bathroom again. I see her slam the pot down on the floor. My daughter, who is right behind her lets out this sound, “UGBLEAWWWWWWWW!”

In attempting to capture the lizard under the pot, mom missed. She only managed to get half of the lizard under the pot. It’s tail, back feet and half of it’s back were sticking out. So instead of lifting the pot up to try again, she decides to leave it right where it is, for fear that the monster will escape. Instead she jumps up on top of the pot. Several times. To which my daughter uttered another unintelligible sound, “BlllAAAADUHHHHHHHH!”

Mom and my daughter come tearing out of the bathroom screaming, “It’s still alive!” One quick glance into the bathroom was all I could stomach. There was lizard blood.

We needed back-up.

When I called my partner Chris to ask him if he could please come over to mom’s to get a giant lizard out of her bathroom, his reply was, “I can’t miss this!”

Yes, I’m a girl. And I very much pride myself on my independence. But there was no way in Hell that I was going into that bathroom to lift up that pot. And then what?! How do we actually get it out of the house?

Chris of course had to bring my son along, and both of them were cracking up as soon as they arrived and surveyed the scene. Chris went into the bathroom first, to do whatever it was that he had in mind to do about this situation. My son and I were squeezing into the doorway behind him peering over his shoulder when Chris lifted up the pot and literally picked up the lizard. With his fingers! OhMyGod! In that instant my son and I both turned and slammed each other against the wall in an attempt to beat it out of there immediately!

The lizard was still in fact alive, but not going anywhere in a hurry as mom severed it almost in half when she jumped on the pot. Chris simply went out back and tossed it over the fence. ICK. After washing his hands repeatedly, much to my insistence, mom gave him a bag of cookies as a thank you.

HE gets the cookies!?!

I’m the one who almost had a giant lizard crawl up her coochie, and I didn’t get any cookies.

LJ Idol Entry for Season 9, Week 5


Who’s riding whose back?

my girl
I was pulled over going into my housing development today. I took a quick break from work to run a Nintendo DS game by mom’s house so that my son would have it after school when he got there. I was jamming home and had just turned off highway 4 into my complex, Mill Woods, when I took my seat belt off. It’s a bad habit, but I always take my seat belt off as soon as I turn into our complex. My mom does the same thing when she turns into her subdivision; she takes off her seat belt early. And now my kids do it too. They always tend to pick up on the bad habits, don’t they...

Right after I took my seat belt off, I passed a cop sitting on the side of the road. Crap! He pulled out to follow me up the street to my house. CRAP! And then his lights came on. OH CRAP!

Super young cute male cop comes up to my window. I already had my license out and ready. There was nothing to argue. I was busted.

Cute cop: “I pulled you over because you weren’t wearing your seat belt.”

Me, smiling and leaning waaaaaaaaaay over because I just happened to be wearing a very low cut sexy top: “I know.”

So cute cop actually starts flirting with me! He starts joking around asking me if anything funny is going to come up when he runs my license, you know like if I have any warrants out, have any unpaid tickets, if have killed anybody lately. That’s when I know that I am totally getting out of this!

During this flirtation, he glanced into my backseat and smiled. After more flirting and my practically bending completely out the window, he let me drive home. After I put my seatbelt back on.

I didn’t understand why he had looked into the back seat and smiled at me, until I got home and got out of the car. I just happened to have a giant Pikachu stuffed animal in the back seat. And HE was wearing his seat belt!

For some reason this morning my daughter insisted on taking Pikachu with us on the ride to school. Before she let me walk her into school and to class, we sat in the parking lot while she patiently buckled Pikachu into his seat belt in the back seat. I had rushed off to work and just left him there.

So did my low cut top get me out of the ticket today, or do I have Pikachu to thank?

Here's what I think.....Collapse )

LJ Idol entry for Season 9, Week 4


Castle Discordia

my girl
Love is an illusion. There is no Happily Every After, no unconditional acceptance, no one that would truly die for you when push came to shove. There are no soul mates, no love at first sight, no sacred space. Love does not conquer all. No one will ever completely understand you. Joy and happiness are a myth.

Is that stuff really out there somewhere? Do other people have that, or is it all a fairy tale?

Should I accept this reality that I see now, shatter those things that seem to be illusions and work with what’s left, realizing that this is the best it’s going to be for me and making the most of that? Or am I just destined to be alone forever? There is no happily every after in the cards for me.

Take the good; leave the bad. Make the most of what you have.
Is that possible?

There will always be baggage, drama, worry, pressure, betrayal, strife, angst, pain, dissonance, miscommunication, hurt feelings, regrets, problems, lies, failure, anxiety, fights, judgments.

I am drawn to it. I am drawn to the dark. The black. The other. The different. There is no white horse there waiting for me. No ivory tower. Only my Castle Discordia, sitting on the edge of reality. Vast, quiet, serene, peaceful, beautiful, sublime, protected. Safe. I quite like it here. It’s always winter. I thrive on solitude. I have my books, and my poetry to protect me.

LJ Idol entry for Season 9, week 3


The Wisdom of Regret

my girl
Do you ever find yourself waiting for something exciting to happen? Wishing and longing for something, anything to effect a change in your life? Or maybe it's that things are happening all around me, but I'm too blind and/or numb to be able to notice them.

I was reading an article today on regret.

Surprisingly, while thinking obsessively about a regret deepens it, writing about it, whether in a diary, a story or poem, can help ease the hurt. "We don't know why this works," says some big shot professor at some equally big shot university, "but somehow, writing seems to give you helpful perspective and distance."

Ah Ha!

Most constructive of all, say experts, is actively coming to terms with your regrets. That requires facing the pain they caused and acknowledging that a mistake was made, but also accepting that it might have been unavoidable given the situation or the person you were at the time. It's a resolution that you might even call wisdom.

I think some of what I am always labeling within myself as guilt, may in fact be regret.

There are so many things that I regret.

I regret having kids with the man that I had kids with.

Now that's a tough sentence.

I love my kids passionately and I am so grateful to have them, but I regret having them with the person that I had them with. But then again, if I had had kids with any other man, these kids wouldn't be the kids that they are with the personalities that they have. But now that I have these two amazing beings in my life, I am forever attached to a man that is toxic. And now my head hurts.

I regret all the "I love you's" that remain unsaid, all of the hugs that were never given, all of the hands that were never held, all of the conversations that were never initiated, and all of the tears that were never shed.

There are also things that I don't regret.

I don't regret losing my virginity at 14 years old. It seems young to me know,  especially having a 14 year old of my own now, but it didn't feel young to me at the time. The amazing thing is that I didn't regret it then, how it happened, when it happened and who it happened with, and I never at any time in my life since have regretted it. Strangely enough, I think the reason that I never regretted it ultimately had a lot to do with my mom.

My mom knew when I had lost my virginity as a Freshman in High School, not because I confided in her, but because she read my diary. Ouch. She said, at the time, that she was up in my room looking for a piece of paper (which was bullshit because she was most assuredly snooping) and saw my journal open on my bed--which it was--and oh, just happened to read it. The boy and I had had sex three times by that point, all unprotected. I  was young and stupid. Within a couple of years after that day, I had gone back and reread what I had written in my journal and thought, "Holy Shit! My mom read that!" It was very detailed, to say the least.

The way my mom handled the situation at that time, still amazes me to this day. I don't think I could have done what she did without loosing it. She admitted to me that she had read my journal and that she knew what was going on and promptly made me a doctor appointment to go on the pill. End of story. With one stroke she saved me from becoming a pregnant teen and having my life go on on completely different path. Knowing my mom's history as I did, I knew why she handled it that way. Don't get me wrong, I was completely devastated by the fact that she had invaded my privacy in that way, but I very quickly realized what a huge thing she had done for me. My mom was three months pregnant (with me) at her wedding to my dad.  She wore a white mini-skirt in 1969 in front of a justice of the peace. She was 19.

I don't regret having a one night stand with my boyfriend's best friend.

Now that one sounds tough as well.

I was in so much pain at the time, emotionally, when the shit hit the fan for that one. But as time went by, I was able to look back and not regret it. It was an absolutely horrendous situation. Both the drama and the sex.

I had actually dated the man that I had the one night stand with for awhile although we had started off as friends. During the relationship we never had slept together. It was actually a year after we had stopped dating that the night in question happened. The most shocking thing for me was how utterly bad the sex was. We both just kind of looked at each other afterward and said, "Okay, well then...."

And yes, the band broke up. I was dating the drummer and had just slept with the keyboardist, it was bound to happen. The story of the lead singer/guitarist is for another day. I no longer regret what took place on that day, because I learned something from it. I will never do (and have never done) anything like that again:  cheating on someone in general, and a best friend in particular.

It comes to me that the things that I had regretted, but have now made peace with, happened so long ago. Does time really heal all wounds? Maybe hindsight really is 20/20.

In that case, maybe there is hope.

Anyone who says that they have absolutely no regrets in life is either a liar, in denial or trying to get you into your pants. Everyone lives with regret, almost everyday. There are those little regrets--Oh, I  definitely regret having that second piece of pie! Those big regrets--I regret not speaking to my best friend for the better part of three years. We all regret things we didn't do or didn't say, and we regret things we shouldn't have done and words we wish we could take back. It's all part of life. And learning how to continue going on, continuing to wake up in the morning when that dreaded alarm goes off each day with the regrets of the past and the impending regrets of the future weighing upon you, well that must be wisdom.

LJ Idol entry for Season 9, week 2


Please tell me that this is a joke.

my girl
My mom kills me.  She has this uncanny knack for being completely tactless.  And as she has gotten older, she has become more outspoken.  She’s not old by any means, at 65, but she gets more and more like her own mom as she gets older.  Scary thought.  Or is it that with age comes wisdom and the ability to say what you mean?  Why didn’t I inherit that trait!?  And when will it start to kick in, in my old age?

So on Tuesday I was sitting down at 9pm to watch my show, House.  I’m of course completely and totally in love with Hugh Laurie, who plays Dr. House on the show.  He’s beautiful, not in that tall, dark, handsome, GQ way, but more in the dark, rugged, broken and mysterious kind of way.  He’s an amazing actor as well, with a beautiful British accent in real life, but his character on the show has absolutely no accent.  I love that.

So when the phone rang at 9:02 and I saw the caller ID, I answered the phone, “Whaaaaaaat!?  You know that my show is on!”  Apparently mom just wanted to tell me the latest gossip.  She tells me that she ran into a friend’s monster-in-law the other day.  I admittedly wasn’t paying much attention to what she was saying about this friend as I had one ear on her and one ear on Hugh.  Then she quickly says, "Okay, go watch your show.  Bye!"

Then at exactly 9:07pm the phone rings again.  This was during a scene in the show where a guy goes into the clinic to get Depo-Provera (birth control pills), because he has an affinity for bovine.  When he takes the pills, he knows that with that level of estrogen in his system, he will become impotent so he can’t fulfill his lustful desires.  After glancing at caller ID again, I answer the phone with, “It’s not a commercial yet!!”  And my mom shoots back with a statement that one could never in a million years anticipate hearing coming from their own mother’s mouth:  “I had a cousin who used to screw cows.”

What the fuck!  Literally!!  Oh, she had my complete and total attention now.  She proceeded to tell me about the pasture behind his house where the cows grazed.   “He needed to use a stool.”

Those last six words sent me over the edge.  I was laughing hysterically at that point visualizing this little horny guy tromping through the pasture at midnight with his stool to sneak up behind Bessie the Cow.
“Just wanted to tell you that.”  and she hangs up.

That’s it.  I can’t even focus on the rest of my show with that visual burned into my brain.

The thing with mom is that you can never be quite sure if it’s a true story or a joke.

LJ Idol entry for Season 9, Week 1